1. |
Dining Room Chandelier
02:36
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What was her maiden name?
Was it martyr?
All those times she fell on the sword for me
Was it honor or instinct?
Are they one in the same for her?
I am equal parts ugly and ungrateful
Every thought is a scaffold in a vengeful scheme
Each new plot more insidious than the last
Broken wholesomeness
False innocence
My hope is as fragile as her porcelain dinner plate
And it shatters as it hits the wall
Catapulted are the climax of a vicious conflict
Sometimes I get so mad, I can’t explain it
Sometimes I get so mad, I can’t explain anything
My smirk is an ice pick in my own mother
It wounds, but it doesn’t kill
I can’t breathe with all this guilt in my lungs
All this second guessing
It’s enough to make you choke
To think she’d wipe salty lake after salty lake from my face
How she’d nurse me back, always
Always from bleakness
How quickly the well-fed forget
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2. |
Hydrangea Bouquet
01:26
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The hydrangeas we planted
Now stand eviscerated
In the July sun
Summer's punishing love
A staunch reminder of my own
I see their injured profiles
Every night
When I stumble home from self-harm
I held you too hard
For too long
I never felt betrayed
Not even when you left
Counted every day that you stayed
I want you to be happy
Even if it's without me
I'll keep you in my thoughts
Whether I'd like to or not
There's always this fight in me
and you used to quell that ferocity
But now the sun burns too brightly
Each moment arrives as deafening violence
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3. |
Charcuterie Plate
00:49
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You put me on display
And eat from me
Until I'm an empty plate
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4. |
Silk Sheets
02:40
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I got blood on your white, silk sheets
Redder than your blushing cheeks after you hurt me
Clearer than your eyes that never conceal
I wish you knew how to bury yourself
In fertile, garden soil
Hidden from inner bloodhounds
Whose snouts and teeth
Do the bidding of your self pity
Your inward disdain
Serves as a treat to your outward contempt
All hatred is self hatred
As you graft your portrait onto the other
To obscure
Who you refuse to understand
You'd gnaw your arm off before you'd lend a hand
I hope the weight of a thousand confrontations
Crushes me into the perfect boyfriend
Change me from a passive observer
To an active enabler
I still hold the shears that freed me from my lips
I can't recite the sensations that accompanied the dizzying descent
Into our quiet oblivion
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5. |
Cedarwood Soap
02:16
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Honeybun,
Do I have your permission to drown?
I want to drink you until my lungs fail
Touch until my skin leaves me
I’ve felt the sting of local indifference
When they scream “no mercy”
They mean it
I know that cold all too well
And it made me
Disagreeable
You can throw your love
Down my throat
all you want
But I have this habit
Of finding death in all walks of life
And stuffing my face with second chances
You can fuck me
Just don’t ever let me in
Not as long as there’s still part of you
That wants to see tomorrow
You don’t want to find yourself
In my body
I spent years in the underlife
Without so much as a thought or a prayer
I am
what I did
And I was
What was done to me
I am the cracks in your bathroom mirror
You can’t help but look
We lust for the worst parts of ourselves
We shut our eyes and hope for a nightmare
I would use you for a hot bath
I would use you for a quick rinse
You can use me back
But I won’t feel it
It will be as if you never touched me
Heartbreak seems so tedious
When you sleep
In the mouth
Of God’s fathomless
Hatred
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6. |
Champagne Gift Basket
03:17
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Friends make the best mirrors
That's the only reason I don't break them
Does my envy strangle your love of life
Or does it strengthen it?
Offering unyielding support
As a dark scaffolding
A toxic foundation?
With every rose you gleefully sniff,
I sharpen my resentful knife
Waiting to carve a long-due frown
Into your soft face
I grip your hand, but I do not shake it
I hear your stories, but I never listen
Maybe that means there's nothing, but darkness inside me
But that would be too easy
For you to dismiss
And for me to admit
I think your esteem would dissolve
Without our little unconscious arrangement
I think you're as empty as I am
The only thing that brings you a modicum of pleasure
Is feasting on my envious retreat
That's why you keep by your side
As long as this ritual persists, you'll never die
I only know because I do it all the time
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7. |
Seven Fold Tie
01:57
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There’s nothing underneath you
And I love it
All this sentiment
It gets so hard to stomach
Dead lights
Lying eyes
Stay alive
Keep your voice inside
That’s a nifty disguise
You must really
Not want to die
So sincere
And I fear just what you fear
Come here
Keep our bodies near
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8. |
Floral Wedding Cake
02:21
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There is a reason God lives alone
Serves no one higher
Belongs only to his ownness
This union not only opened a chasm between us
But a chasm between me and myself
and you and yourself
A shared abyss
Since we both get to drown
We both get to hold our boots down
On the other's timid fingers
Lonely together
Every day, grows angrier and angrier
Trading coffin nails
I wanted to see Paris
I wanted to dance
I wanted an earthy death
Brimming with the fever
Of self-actualization
Instead I get to live long enough
To watch a stranger
Make me a stranger to myself
I dreamt our wedding cake
Melting into a wet resentment
A family of rats rushed to eat the remains
I woke up and laughed alone
While you slept loudly
Each snore and groan reminding me of this prison
I have to touch and taste
Every moment of every day
I get dressed and walk out to the yard
and pretend to leave
Then I walk back upstairs
And sleep for a few hours
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9. |
Dress Shirt
02:49
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What’s the easiest way to say “I fucking hate you”?
Can’t think of answer?
Doesn’t fucking matter
Wouldn’t change anything
There’s a void where my affection once was
Today I tore a dress shirt to shreds
You used to make me wear it
I thought I’d feel free
But I
I felt nothing
There are no words for what you took from me
I know what you want
You want me
To be what you are
You’ll take me
Apart
And leave me
As one scar
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10. |
Skin Care Masking Set
03:04
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Fuck me
Because I'm garbage
Fuck me
Because I'm a God damned trash pile
You're my window to any normalcy
My only road to esteem
I want you to treat me
Like the burden I am
When you drink pity
The stars align
Everything unfolds at your feet
Blood turns to gold
While your heart is cleaned
Throw up your bile
And spill on our dreamworld
Wear my skin
It starts with a sting
And ends with a warm blanket
Like opium
Like love
Like death
You can’t exist without me
Without my desire
I can’t exist without you
Without your pity
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11. |
Silver Cufflinks
04:15
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Delirium
Against velvet walls
The words we spit erode faster
Than a thousand years waves, but we smile and smile again.
Your eyes wilt flowers in our home,
Where complacency hangs from the ceiling
And deception stains Persian rugs
So bright they laugh at our dismay.
It’s funny how we settle for loathing.
The abrasive touch we exchange
Always gets mistaken for longing, but we go on trying and trying.
Nothing burns like your cold shoulder
Searing neglect
Your subtle lies spoken so sweetly are
Carefully chosen from your armory.
These wounds collecting dust make me just as pathetic as you.
It’s funny how we settle for loathing
But I can’t complain
I’m not allowed to.
My body stutters in your presence
And whatever’s left of me is undone.
I can’t be alone in my head
Thoughts like knives between the silence
And a presence like flu breath
Sickly
No place to hide our regrets
Seeping through the floorboards
Watched my feelings become weakness
Watched your specter crawl over me
Through me
Always eating
Like unappeasable weeds
And they didn't stop
Until we shared a mouth
Shared all resentment and doubt
Domination is a void
I put my life on hold for you
It feels cruel
Did you want to be cruel?
It’s always too late for people who never change
Who’d rather decay than carry blame.
Wish I could be the one to leave first
To watch the walls cave in on you,
To watch you swallow unrequited
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Nursing Boston, Massachusetts
Nursing is
Jonathan Jasperse
Tony Castrato
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